Back in Black

So I'm working my way through Jeanine Basinger's book, The Star Machine, okay? And I say "working my way through," rather than reading, because it's taking some time. I'm a slow reader, not an inhaler of books, and I read when I eat, and I don't really eat that much that often. It's our busy season at work. And I've been busier than a set of jumper cables at a Puerto Rican wedding. And, well, the book started off with a Bang, but it's slowing down all by itself. And, hey, WTF, I'm in no hurry. The book's pretty good, and I'm savoring it. What. Ever.
So I get to a chapter about Lana Turner, and I've read a Lana Turner book already this century, and it mentions her 1960 film, Portrait in Black. So I hit that button on Netflix, and the movie arrived in my mailbox, and I watched it last night. I hadn't seen it in a while. I think the last time I saw it was because I was trying to watch the whole Sandra Dee filmography. You've heard of "guy films" and "chick flicks," right? Well, Portrait in Black is a gay guy film. And I mean that kindly. It's a flaming costume designer/set decorator on methamphetamine kind of film. And it's a soap opera, meaning that it's all about b!tches and pricks, b!tches and pricks, and more b!tches and pricks. Thank goodness for the Fast Forward button!
Anyway, so Lana Turner is an overwrought wife. She gets a costume change every time she lights a cigarette. Her rich prick husband is Lloyd Nolan. She is boinking her husband's doctor (Anthony Quinn) on the side in between costume changes. Lana gets a new turban, and they murder her prick husband. Elderly Anna May Wong is the maid. Sandra Dee plays an irritating daughter. Sandra would have almost as many costume changes as Lana, except that she doesn't have as many scenes. There is an annoying little actor who plays Lana Turner's annoying little son. Ray Walston is the red herring chauffeur. John Saxon plays the same guy that John Saxon always plays. Richard Basehart plays a prick who takes over Lloyd Nolan's business. It's set in--where else?--San Francisco. The first name on the screen, right up there with the studio logo, is Head of Production Edward Muhl, the guy who really, really liked Rock Hudson and several of gay agent Henry Wilson's other clients, Tab Hunter, Guy Madison, and Troy Donahue. It's a Ross (gay) Hunter (gay) Production. Henry (gay) Wilson took credit for discovering Lana Turner. Another of Henry's clients was John Saxon, by the way. (But that doesn't make him a bad person.)

Between the inordinate costume changes and hairdresser frenzies, the soundtrack music swells. It sounds like the whole New York Philharmonic is playing in the parlor. Lana wears two cool dresses, one great negligee, and an awful lot of awful outfits that only a queen would like. Sandra Dee wears one great dress at the end. The ladies all wear remarkably ugly hats. Anthony Quinn chews the scenery almost as fast as Ross Hunter's flamers can design it. There is an annoying Siamese cat, which Anna May Wong gets to hold in one scene. Poor Anna looks so old; it's sad. Lloyd (not gay) Nolan's character dies early on and escapes this hysterical soap. There are a couple of misplaced gun shots. Someone dies. Someone is ruined. Someone gets Sandra Dee in the end, but doesn't really get her. It's not a mystery, because it's not mysterious. It's not a thriller, because it's not thrilling. There's a car chase, but it's still not a "guy movie." It's about a lot of closet cases getting together with a lot of money and making a "fabulous" movie. It's in Screaming Monstrous Eastman Color. It should be in black and white. It should have a role for Charles Bronson or somebody with a big gun. I mean, you'd think that a heavily gay motion picture production could find a place for a male character with a REALLY BIG GUN, right?

Ah well. I'm done with the part in Jeanine Basinger's book about Lana Turner destroying her life, and I'm on to the chapter where Errol Flynn destroys his life. Such is life inside The Star Machine.